World Violation - 30 Years Later

In 1988 I got to see Depeche Mode live for the first time on the Music For The Masses tour.
In 1990 they hit the road again in support of the phenomenal Violator album.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to see DM on this tour. Seattle was to play host to the Goodwill Games that summer, which meant we'd be left off a lot of tour schedules that year. I knew Violator would take the boys to other cities around me, but without having many fellow fan friends, I wasn't sure a trip to one of those cities would be in my future.

30 years later, I am still in awe of that tour and what I got to experience as a result of it.

In 1990, I was a senior in high school. I was getting ready to graduate. I was going to turn 18 that summer. Things were good. A chance encounter with an acquaintance at a school function turned into something that was going to make things even better.

I overheard this acquaintance talking to another schoolmate about how excited she was to go see Depeche Mode over the summer. As a very shy person, it's not in my nature to strike up conversations with people I don't know very well. But there is something about DM that makes that shyness drift away and boldness take over. 
I approached her and asked if I had heard her correctly about going to see Depeche Mode. We started talking and I found out she was planning on trying for tickets for both Vancouver, BC and Portland, OR. I asked if she'd mind an extra guest on these trips. To my surprise and joy, she said sure! We spent time talking, getting to know each other, and making plans.

The shows were going to be on July 16th and July 18th, respectively. My birthday being July 15th, my mom said she would pay for my tickets as part of my birthday present. When tickets went on sale, my friend's mom bought the tickets and we set our firm plans.

Monday, July 16, 1990:

My friend (we'll call her K), her mom (also a DM fan), her friend (we'll call her E), and I hit the road for 3ish hour drive north to Vancouver. K, E, and I gabbed and sang while her mom did the driving. We crossed the border and headed to Pacific Coliseum. We parked and K, E, and I headed off to walk around, then find some dinner before the show. We were parked near the back of the coliseum, and as we walked toward the front, we passed by the back doors where the bands, crews, and employees were coming in and out. We stopped for a bit to see if we could see anyone exciting. Someone from a group of people sitting on the grassy knoll above that area told us we had just missed Nitzer Ebb go in, but we did see a few members of DM's crew mulling about. We left soon after to eat, then headed back to get K's mom and head inside to our seats.
We were situated on the left side of the stage, about as far up to the top of the venue as you could get. We had a giant post blocking part of our view. But we didn't care. We were seeing Depeche Mode. The show was loud, exciting, and magical. Both NE and DM sounded amazing and put on great shows. There was an electricity that was abuzz all night.
After the show, we headed back to the States, stopping for a late night bite at a Denny's just across the border, with what seemed to be an entire restaurant full of very happy fellow concert-goers. Then it was the 3ish hour drive back home.

Wednesday, July 18, 1990:

This show was just going to be K, her mom, and me. This time K did the driving for the 3ish hour drive south to Portland. And this time I took a camera.

As we approached Memorial Coliseum in Portland, we were stopped by a red light. As we sat waiting for the light to turn so we could turn into the parking lot, I looked out the window and saw what looked like Bon Harris from Nitzer Ebb skateboarding in the lot. As I told K, a guy approached him and they started talking. 

The light finally turned green and we turned in and found a place to park. Much like in Vancouver, K's mom was going to read and nap in the car while K and I walked around and found some dinner. As we left the car, we discussed whether we should go talk to Bon, who was alone again by that time. We decided to go for it, so we headed over toward him. We introduced ourselves, told him we'd seen the show two nights prior in Vancouver, and chatted a bit. He was very friendly and let us each take a picture of him. Did we think to ask if we could take pictures of ourselves with him? No. No we didn't. But he happily obliged these two teen girls with their old Kodak 110 cameras. 

After the photos we said our goodbyes and were off to explore.

At one point during our walking around, an older gentleman sitting alone along the side of the venue told us if we go around back, we could listen to Depeche Mode doing their soundcheck. We headed to the back of the venue where there was a small group of maybe 10 people standing around. We joined them and could hear the tail end of the soundcheck through the open door. I vividly remember hearing Martin's vocals carrying throughout the area. All of us standing there were in awe. 
There were crew and security buzzing about, and two boxy limos parked.

As we continued to listen, Bon and Douglas from Nitzer Ebb came out from a bus parked a little bit further out from the back of the venue. As they got closer, we saw Bon say something to Douglas, then they both waved at K and I before entering the venue. Soon after that both limos started up. Were DM on their way out? We weren't about to leave until we found out. Soon after some guys came out followed shortly thereafter by Alan Wilder. He acknowledged the small crowd, smiling and waving at us all before getting into the limo.

Next, Dave Gahan came out, put some things in the trunk of the limo, then also smiled and waved at us. 

Their limo took off and we waited. 
A few minutes later Andy Fletcher made his way out and retreated straight into the limo.

A few more minutes passed. Then a few more. Then the limo backed up even closer to the back door of the venue. I'm not saying that it was because of the sudden "Martin Gore is a God" chants that started...but I'm not saying it's not either. Martin came out, head down and ducked quickly into the limo. Then off they went.

After the excitement of that brush with celebrity we left to grab some dinner. Once back, we grabbed K's mom and found out way to our seats. This time, no nose bleed seats, no obstructed views. We were in the first tier of seats off floor level directly across from the stage. We saw both NE and DM perfectly. And both were incredible. Getting to see the full stage this time, there was an even deeper appreciation of the performances each band put on. Dave was alive with his dancing and movements. The visuals on the screens played perfectly with the songs. It was another magical night.
After the show, as we made our way to K's car to drive home, we passed the same backstage door we were lucky enough to see the boys emerge from after their soundcheck. This time it was FULL of people trying to see the band. We happily made our way to the car knowing that what we got was more special than fighting to see through a crowd of sweaty bodies hoping to catch a glimpse of someone, anyone.
Around 2:30am I made my way into bed with a smile on my face - and wanting the new day to dawn soon so I could drop my film off to be developed. The photos aren't great, but for the time, 30 years ago, they aren't half bad. And they are the perfect photographic reminders of the memories I have held for all these years and will continue to hold for at least 30 more. They're also all I have left from these shows - due to an unfortunate incident, my t-shirts and tour program, along with my MFTM merch, found their way out of my possession, never to be seen again. I miss those programs and tees. But anyway...

I haven't been lucky enough to see Depeche Mode dozens of times. I don't have the means to travel around the U.S., let alone around the world, to see their shows. But I have been lucky enough to have amazing and special experiences when I have seen them. I've seen them in two of the most beautiful venues in the U.S. - the Gorge Amphitheater in Washington and Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. I've been in Row 2 and Row 4. I've met them in a pre-show meet & greet. Each show I've seen has been full of energy and life. But if I had to choose my favorite tour/show/experience, I have to go with World Violation. Having the best seats in the best venues doesn't always make for the best show. For me, it's the overall experience. The joy. My joy. The air that I breathe. My joy. The blood in my veins. My joy. Heavenly bliss. My joy...you move me...

May 2 - A 32 Year Black Celebration

On May 2, 1988 I went to my first Depeche Mode show.
On May 2, 2020, I saw Depeche Mode inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. 

At least, I was supposed to.

I have started and stopped this blog post so many times. This was going to be about my journey to Cleveland and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. It was going to include journal entries I made showing the range of emotions I felt from the moment I was lucky enough to buy tickets to the moment the ceremony was postponed due to Covid-19. Now it's going to be musings from my mind and a celebration of May 2, 1988 - May 2, 2020.

It was 1988. Depeche Mode were on their Music For The Masses tour - you know, that one that culminated with the famous Rose Bowl show that would be documented in the D.A. Pennebaker film, 101.
I was so excited to go the show. From the moment the opening beats of Pimpf began, to the last notes of Everything Counts, I was a screaming, dancing, singing 15 year old. It was not my first concert ever, but it was my first experience with the power of a live DM show. And it was incredible.

Fast forward nearly 32 years.

On January 15, 2020, the news I'd waited years to hear came - Depeche Mode were going to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. As a fan, I was ecstatic. I started thinking about how I would be able to watch coverage of the ceremony. Would it be aired live? Would I have to wait until after the fact to watch it online? 

The induction ceremony would take place on May 2nd. 
May 2nd? Why did that date feel so familiar to me? 

Look at that ticket price!

It never occurred to me that I might have an opportunity to go to Cleveland to see it happen in person.

*Insert a lot of unnecessary backstory here*

I got tickets! 

Somewhat affordable seats at the back of the venue? Yes.
Did I care that I'd be sitting in the suburbs of Cleveland? No.
I was going to be in the same venue as Depeche Mode, and I was going to celebrate the 32nd anniversary of my first Depeche Mode experience by seeing them rightfully inducted into the Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

*Insert every emotion imaginable coursing through my veins day after day, week after week here*

Once Covid-19 started to spread and events were being postponed and cancelled, I knew deep down the induction ceremony would not go on as planned. Then the news came - it was postponed indefinitely. 
Eventually a new date was set (which could still be postponed again). 
Unfortunately, I will no longer be attending.

*Insert every emotion imaginable again here*

May 2, 2020 may not have gone the way I had planned, hoped, and wanted it to go. But I still spent the evening with other devotees, celebrating the band and their accomplishment, via a Zoom meeting - the new way to hang out with friends while Covid-19 has it's way with the world. I only knew a couple of people in the group, and didn't really say much (which is normal for me even in groups of people I know, to be honest). But it was still a much needed evening spent with people that share of love of this band that has been a soundtrack to all of our lives. 
Much thanks to Rob from Depeche Mode Global Fan Group on Facebook for setting up this Hall of Fame pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-show funk. And to DJ Tony Stewart for providing the tunes after the main chat. 

Congratulations to Depeche Mode and the rest of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Class of 2020!

We'll see you next time!

Sweetest Perfection - Violator at 30

10 years ago, I wrote a blog about the 20th anniversary of the release of "Violator", Depeche Mode's amazing and groundbreaking album released on March 19, 1990.

Now here I sit wondering how another 10 years have passed and how it's been THIRTY YEARS since this album was released. It's also been 30 years since I graduated from high school, but I think I'm in more disbelief about "Violator" turning 30. 

A lot of albums, at 30 years old, sound dated. You can tell when these songs and notes came into the world. I know I'm biased when it comes to Depeche Mode, but for me, "Violator" sounds as fresh and new now as it did back then. Reading what I wrote 10 years ago, there isn't a lot more I can add. I still love this album. It's still one of the greatest albums ever made. It's still an important piece of my life.

Here is what I wrote in 2010:

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sweetest Perfection - Violator at 20

March 19th and 20th marked the 20th anniversary of the release dates (UK & US respectively) for Depeche Mode's Violator album. For many it was their introduction to Depeche Mode thanks to the success of the songs "Personal Jesus" and "Enjoy The Silence." For others it was the next step for a band who had just about 2 years earlier had put on the concert of a lifetime at Pasadena's Rose Bowl with the 101st show on their Music for the Masses tour.
By the time Violator was released in 1990, I had been listening to Depeche Mode for 6 years. My introduction to their music came in 1984 with the song "People Are People." I still remember going to the record store and buying Some Great Reward on cassette. Soon after that came the purchases of Speak & Spell, A Broken Frame, and Construction Time Again, where I learned that I had also heard "Everything Counts" and "Just Can't Get Enough" on the radio long before PAP. I just never knew who sang them and was, I guess, too young at the time to have really formed a deep connection. But I soon became a devotee. Walls that were once covered in posters of Duran Duran became covered in posters of Depeche Mode. My first live show was on May 2, 1988 at the Seattle Center Coliseum on the MFTM tour.
I eagerly awaited the release of the follow up album, but I will confess that the first time I heard "Personal Jesus" I was less than impressed. It took me a few listens to warm up to it, but once I did, I was hooked. When Violator was released I was working at a record store so I was able to buy it right away. I was also able to play it when I worked - over and over. And over and over again I did. I loved this album. From the opening beats of "World In My Eyes" to the closing notes of "Clean" there was something special about Violator. The only song that didn't wow me was "Policy of Truth" - which to this day is still my least favorite song on the album. I don't dislike it, but it doesn't touch me in a way the rest of the songs do. Three of my Top 10 DM songs are on this album (Halo, Enjoy The Silence, & Waiting For The Night) with two others (Blue Dress & Clean) creeping in depending on my mood.
I wish Violator a very Happy Anniversary. It will always be a special album that will fill my life with incredible sounds and fun, exciting, and emotional memories. The subsequent tour found me traveling to both Vancouver, BC and Portland, OR to see them perform, and again, I was not disappointed. They remain, to this day, one of the greatest, yet most underrated (to non-fans) live bands around. And 20 years on, "Personal Jesus" and "Enjoy The Silence" remain concert staples - with occasional appearances by "World In My Eyes," "Policy of Truth," and "Halo" - always crowd favorites.

If you want to visit the original blog, you can go here:

https://rdwnggrl.blogspot.com/2010/03/sweetest-perfection-violator-at-20.html

Thank you for reading!

Spirits in the Forest - One Fan's Review

*The thoughts and opinions expressed in this review express the thoughts and opinions of the author, and the author alone. 

Spirits in the Forest - the Depeche Mode fan documentary/live performance movie mash-up went into theaters worldwide on Thursday, November 21, 2019, giving viewers a glimpse into the lives of 6 fans before they travel to Berlin to watch the final show of the band's Global Spirit tour in 2018. 

I didn't really read many reviews prior to watching the movie. I like to go into movies with an open mind, not swayed by someone's opinion. I did, however, know the basic concept of the film. In reading other reviews of the movie, though, it seems there was some confusion about the main focus. 

The focus was the fans, not the band. It seems, for some, that the band just wasn't featured enough - that there should have been more footage of them backstage, prepping for the show, meeting the fans.

We've had that before - it's called 101. But, again, this wasn't about the band. If anything, the band were the background music, the ties that bind if you will. Any interaction that these 6 fans had with the band backstage should stay between those fans and the band. This was their moment, not ours. And I'm ok with not seeing it. 

I thought the fan segments were well done. I think my only criticism would be that I'd have liked to have seen and heard even more about them. But we got what we got and unless a DVD with further footage is released, we'll just have to be happy with what we got. And what we got was a look into the struggles of life, the realities of the worlds we live in, the ups and downs, the good and bad, and the way the music of Depeche Mode has made an impact in each of these ways. You may not have battled cancer, gone through divorce, seen your kids move away, suffered a major injury, lived under a communist regime, struggled with your sexuality, or any of the other stories we heard, but chances are you know someone who has. Or you have your own story that was impacted by the music of Depeche Mode. What I'm trying to say is, in someway, you can relate - you can relate to the impact the music, the band, and it's fans have had on your life. 

(This also wasn't a competition over who is the bigger fan, has been a fan the longest, or who has the biggest collection. It was just real people with real stories about a real band. That's all.)

Let's talk about the live performance parts. 

Seeing Depeche Mode live is almost like a religious experience. There is a sensation that takes over, that fills you with joy and hope. When you're in the middle of the wheat wave or reaching out and touching faith, you are one with the crowd. Even on screen, watching the band perform and interact with the audience is a sight to behold. This one was no different. The band was electric. The way the songs chosen were woven into the fabric of the stories being told was well done. Honestly, we got more live parts than I was expecting, so that was a pleasant surprise. 

Being a fan for the past 35 years, I'm sure it may seem I'm biased, so of course I'd love the movie. But let me give you another quick perspective:

My husband is, essentially, a non-fan. He's had 27+ years of hearing the music, hearing my stories, hearing my friend's stories. He's grown to like some of the music, but he wouldn't consider himself a true fan. Yet, he loved the movie. He loved hearing the stories and how much the music really does hit so many of us in similar ways. 

Overall, I'd give this movie two thumbs up, two snaps and a twist, 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Now, go take a ride with your best friend and have a black celebration. And Mode On.

Ioanna Gika - Thalassa

It's easy to find adjectives to describe the vocals of Ioanna Gika.

Ethereal.
Hypnotic.
Haunting.
Hurting.
Hopeful.
Passionate.

But describing her music isn't quite as easy.

Eva Cassidy meets Massive Attack?
Enya meets Faithless?
Hope Sandoval meets Cocteau Twins?
Portishead meets, well, Portishead?

All of these are true. 
But when it comes right down to it, Ioanna Gika is Ioanna Gika. 
She's a talented vocalist, songwriter, musician. 
She's a humanitarian. 
She's a fighter. 
She sings from the heart. 
She sings from her soul.

And she has brought all of this to us with her debut solo album, "Thalassa", available now from Sargent House.

I have been a fan of Ioanna's since 2007. Her band Io Echo was one of two opening bands for She Wants Revenge on their tour to promote the album "This is Forever." I had no idea who Io Echo were when I walked into the Showbox in Seattle, WA that night. I walked out with a signed EP from what I knew were going to become one of my favorite bands and a top favorite female vocalist. 
To this day I fangirl over the work that Ioanna does. This album gets, and deserves all my geeky fangirlness. What a treat to the auditory senses. 

Beginning with "Roseate" and ending with "Drifting", this album hits on love, loss, and life. It's everything I had hoped for and more. My personal top song picks are "New Geometry", "Swan", "Roseate", "Ammonite", and "Drifting".

It took me almost a week of listening to truly be able to get out what words I did get out here. It's not much. It's not detailed. But it is from the heart. I love this album. And if you find yourself listening to it, I hope you do too. 

I Don't Have Anxiety

I overthink pretty much everything.
But I don't have anxiety.

I worry about things I don't need to worry about.

But I don't have anxiety.

I stress out way too easily.

But I don't have anxiety.

On an airplane I hold on to the arm rests for dear life and I tear up during take off.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have suffered from occasional, sometimes deep depression for 30 years.

But I don't have anxiety. 

I question myself, the things I do, and the way people think about me.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have stomach issues and was prescribed an anxiety med to help with the "anxiety" that comes from having the stomach issues.

But I don't have anxiety.

I feel anxious about having to take an anxiety med.
But I don't have anxiety.

But I do have anxiety.
And it's time to rid myself of the denial.
It's time to embrace my anxiety.
It's time to focus on my good.
It's time to remember that it's OK.
Because I do have anxiety.

Everything Changed. Nothing Changed At All.

On April 23, 2016 I got a call that would both change my world and not change my world at all.
That is the day my father passed away. This past year has been a weird roller coaster of emotions I wasn't expecting to ride and "new" family that I wasn't expecting to encounter. The story seems like it would begin two days prior when I would get the call that my father was dying. But really, the story begins over 40 years earlier - just months after I was born.

My father was married 5 times. I come from wife #2. Through the first 4 marriages there were 7 of us kids - 5 he was the birth father of, 1 he became the adopted father of, and 1 he was a step-father of. I never knew any of my half-siblings while I was growing up. My youngest sibling, from wife #4, is the only one I would come to know and have a relationship with. I was nearly 12 when she was born. I wouldn't really start to get to know her until I was an adult. And we wouldn't have a real relationship until we were both adults. But thanks to her Mom, who kept in touch with me after the divorce, I would get to see them from time to time. Now we get together regularly. While, like the others, she is technically my half-sibling, for all intents and purposes now, she is just my sister - no half about it.

I was born in the summer. By winter, he was gone. He would leave my mom for wife #3. My mom had full, sole custody of me; there was never a question, never a fight. He didn't just decide to leave my mom, he decided to leave me. I didn't see him on weekends. I didn't go spend a week with him during summer vacations. I didn't share holidays with him. I didn't really know him. But when I was young, that didn't seem to bother me. It wasn't until later that I would start to have feelings of hurt and resentment. And when those feelings hit, they hit hard.

"What a child will believe. You never loved me."
"Maybe someday when I look back I'll be able to say, you didn't mean to be cruel, somebody hurt you too."
Madonna's "Oh Father" was a song that hit me emotionally when it came out. Not that the situation with my father was quite the same as the lyrics stated. But these particular lyrics were words that would play over in my mind many times in my late teens/early twenties. The months leading up to my wedding and the strange, hurtful things he said to my mom and to me were true tests of those specific song lyrics.

On the morning of April 21, 2016 I received a voice mail from wife #5 stating that my father was in hospice and he wasn't doing well. If I needed to know more, I could call her back in the evening. Not one to be able to receive news like this and let it go, I could not wait until the evening. I was just about to call my sister when she called me. We spoke at great length about the calls we had just received and what was to come. We knew he had been in failing health. To be honest, we weren't sure if we'd actually get a call if and when he was in his final days, or when he'd pass away. Wife #5 wasn't exactly the friendliest, or a fountain of information. Thankfully she did give us the courtesy of that call in his final days.

This set off a series of emotional indifference and emotional lows. I never knew how I'd feel when this time came.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

I told my boss what was going on, because my mind wasn't fully on work that day. She asked if I was going to fly down to see him, because I may regret not going to say good-bye. I wasn't going to go. Sure, the main deterrent was that I didn't have the money to book a flight. But what would it accomplish, me flying half way across the country to see a man I barely knew and who was barely conscious? My sister and her husband decided to go. And with them, I sent a note for her to read to him.


Within hours of his death, I was involved in a text message conversation with the half-brother from wife #3. These conversations would go on for days. He was very excited to have contact with the siblings he never knew. For me, it was very overwhelming. This was a stranger. But this was also my brother. I wanted to know him, and the others, growing up. And now, here was this opportunity to know them, yet I found myself hesitant to do so.

What if they didn't want to know me? What if they did, but end up not liking me? In some respects I thought it didn't really matter because I went 43 years without them and was just fine. But in other respects the excitement and emotion of having them in my life after 43 years did matter. And the last year of "new" family has been a mix of it all. I gained a new cousin and an aunt and uncle, as well. Interestingly enough, we've all had similar situations of not knowing this man very well, or anything about our "family". The doors have been opened - now we just see who walks through them and how often.

Looking back on the 43 years I had my father in my life, the total amount of physical time spent with him (not including the couple of months he was in and out when I was baby) was less than 1 week worth of time. In reality, I don't know if even adds up to 1 full 24 hour day. Sure, there were phone calls here and there, as well as cards, letters, and emails from time to time. But physical, face to face time? Rare moments, at best.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

Turns out, it's all of the above.

I'm sad that the person who helped create me is gone. He was still my father, even if he was horrible at being so.
I'm glad that I was able to say good-bye in my own way and that he's no longer sick.
I'm hurt that he never took the time to be a real dad to me, or the time to get to know me, his son-in-law, or his grandson.
I'm ok. I always have been and will continue to be. Because while everything changed, nothing changed at all.