On March 6, 2017, I got to do
something I haven't been able to do for 8 years. I bought tickets to see
Depeche Mode.
DEPECHE. MODE.
For the average person, this may not
seem like a big deal.
But to me, this is a huge deal. This
is me, getting to see my favorite band in concert. And not just any favorite
band - my favorite band for the last 32+ years.
For me, Depeche Mode is about music.
About meaning.
About feeling.
About love.
About life.
Music has always been a huge part of
my life. I grew up listening to everything from Abba to Queen, John Denver to
Luciano Pavarotti. I still do, to some extent, though I caught the New Wave bug
at an early age and have yet to shake it.
I was 12 years old when Depeche Mode
caught my eye - or ear. I had been a huge Duranie when I was 10 and 11 years
old. At 12, things started to change. I listened to KJET and KYYX, early 80s
new wave based radio stations in Seattle. I was introduced to artists like Kate
Bush, The Cure, Siouxsie & The Banshees, and Depeche Mode.
"People Are People" is the
first song I remember hearing. And I loved it. When I saw the video? I loved it
even more. I became an instant fan. Soon, Duran Duran started disappearing from
my bedroom walls and 4 lads from Basildon quickly took over. I bought
"Some Great Reward". Not long after, I added "Speak &
Spell", "A Broken Frame", and "Construction Time
Again" to my collection. In listening to those other albums, I realized
that I had heard "Dreaming of Me", "Just Can't Get Enough"
and "Everything Counts" before. I figure that they weren't the right
songs at the right time, though, because it wasn't until "People Are
People" that Depeche Mode stuck in my head.
By the time I was 16 years old, both
"Black Celebration" and "Music For The Masses" had joined
the family. At 15, I got to see DM live in Seattle on the MFTM tour. It was
magical and made me love them even more. But it would be a track from Black
Celebration that would quickly become the most important song in my life - and
would continue to guide me through good and bad, happy and sad so many years
later.
When I was 16, I began to suffer from
depression. It wasn't the 'woe is me I'm a moody teenager' depression. It
wasn't the 'you listen to depressing music, how can you NOT be depressed'
depression.
(For
the record, I have never found DM's music depressing, and I loathe the nickname
Depressed Mode)
I was always the shy, quiet girl. In
school I had friends - good friends; great friends. But I still often felt like
I didn't fit in or belong. This is something I still struggle with on occasion,
well into my 40s - but I'm working on it. I was different from some of my
friends in the music I listened to, the way I dressed, the ways I wore my hair.
And though I know they liked me, there were still moments where I felt unsure.
I began a spiral of feeling like if I never existed, it wouldn't matter. If I
were in the hospital, no one would come visit me. If I ceased living, no one
would miss me. Let me say this - I never hurt myself. I never even really considered
doing myself any true physical harm.
This was purely mental for me.
In one of my 'moments' I was
listening to Black Celebration. "But Not Tonight" came on. I always
liked that song. But it wasn't until that moment, 2+ years after its release,
that I truly LISTENED to that song. That I truly began to appreciate that song.
And found an absolute true love of that song. Like a brick wall, it hit me and
left an impression so deep that I carry it around with me today. I don't know
why it was that particular moment in time that it struck me so deeply. But it
did, and I will forever be thankful that it did.
"And I haven't felt so alive, in
years..."
Things started to get better for me
by the time I started my senior year of high school. I have continued to cope with
depression throughout my life off and on - some bouts worse than others.
"But Not Tonight" is not
always the solution when I am down. But it does help and will forever mean something special
to me and will always hold my hand when I need it.
In the years since, albums have been
released, and over and over again I fall head over heels in love with certain
songs, each meaning something important to me for one reason or another. There
is something very special about this band. They have been a part of my life
longer than most anyone else, other than family and a few friends. Martin Gore
(and now Dave Gahan) writes for people like me, people like you, and people who
want and need to feel like they belong somewhere. The lonely. The popular. The
young. The old. The jaded. The optimist. We're all welcome here. And through
this fandom, I have met some amazing people. The online DM family is full of
excitement and friendship. In person, the family bond is even stronger.
I may get geeky about Depeche Mode -
at a level normal people can't understand. But it's a way of life that got me
through awkward teenage years, through relationships, through friendships,
through pregnancy and motherhood, and continues to get me through the world we
live in and life in general.
