Everything Changed. Nothing Changed At All.

On April 23, 2016 I got a call that would both change my world and not change my world at all.
That is the day my father passed away. This past year has been a weird roller coaster of emotions I wasn't expecting to ride and "new" family that I wasn't expecting to encounter. The story seems like it would begin two days prior when I would get the call that my father was dying. But really, the story begins over 40 years earlier - just months after I was born.

My father was married 5 times. I come from wife #2. Through the first 4 marriages there were 7 of us kids - 5 he was the birth father of, 1 he became the adopted father of, and 1 he was a step-father of. I never knew any of my half-siblings while I was growing up. My youngest sibling, from wife #4, is the only one I would come to know and have a relationship with. I was nearly 12 when she was born. I wouldn't really start to get to know her until I was an adult. And we wouldn't have a real relationship until we were both adults. But thanks to her Mom, who kept in touch with me after the divorce, I would get to see them from time to time. Now we get together regularly. While, like the others, she is technically my half-sibling, for all intents and purposes now, she is just my sister - no half about it.

I was born in the summer. By winter, he was gone. He would leave my mom for wife #3. My mom had full, sole custody of me; there was never a question, never a fight. He didn't just decide to leave my mom, he decided to leave me. I didn't see him on weekends. I didn't go spend a week with him during summer vacations. I didn't share holidays with him. I didn't really know him. But when I was young, that didn't seem to bother me. It wasn't until later that I would start to have feelings of hurt and resentment. And when those feelings hit, they hit hard.

"What a child will believe. You never loved me."
"Maybe someday when I look back I'll be able to say, you didn't mean to be cruel, somebody hurt you too."
Madonna's "Oh Father" was a song that hit me emotionally when it came out. Not that the situation with my father was quite the same as the lyrics stated. But these particular lyrics were words that would play over in my mind many times in my late teens/early twenties. The months leading up to my wedding and the strange, hurtful things he said to my mom and to me were true tests of those specific song lyrics.

On the morning of April 21, 2016 I received a voice mail from wife #5 stating that my father was in hospice and he wasn't doing well. If I needed to know more, I could call her back in the evening. Not one to be able to receive news like this and let it go, I could not wait until the evening. I was just about to call my sister when she called me. We spoke at great length about the calls we had just received and what was to come. We knew he had been in failing health. To be honest, we weren't sure if we'd actually get a call if and when he was in his final days, or when he'd pass away. Wife #5 wasn't exactly the friendliest, or a fountain of information. Thankfully she did give us the courtesy of that call in his final days.

This set off a series of emotional indifference and emotional lows. I never knew how I'd feel when this time came.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

I told my boss what was going on, because my mind wasn't fully on work that day. She asked if I was going to fly down to see him, because I may regret not going to say good-bye. I wasn't going to go. Sure, the main deterrent was that I didn't have the money to book a flight. But what would it accomplish, me flying half way across the country to see a man I barely knew and who was barely conscious? My sister and her husband decided to go. And with them, I sent a note for her to read to him.


Within hours of his death, I was involved in a text message conversation with the half-brother from wife #3. These conversations would go on for days. He was very excited to have contact with the siblings he never knew. For me, it was very overwhelming. This was a stranger. But this was also my brother. I wanted to know him, and the others, growing up. And now, here was this opportunity to know them, yet I found myself hesitant to do so.

What if they didn't want to know me? What if they did, but end up not liking me? In some respects I thought it didn't really matter because I went 43 years without them and was just fine. But in other respects the excitement and emotion of having them in my life after 43 years did matter. And the last year of "new" family has been a mix of it all. I gained a new cousin and an aunt and uncle, as well. Interestingly enough, we've all had similar situations of not knowing this man very well, or anything about our "family". The doors have been opened - now we just see who walks through them and how often.

Looking back on the 43 years I had my father in my life, the total amount of physical time spent with him (not including the couple of months he was in and out when I was baby) was less than 1 week worth of time. In reality, I don't know if even adds up to 1 full 24 hour day. Sure, there were phone calls here and there, as well as cards, letters, and emails from time to time. But physical, face to face time? Rare moments, at best.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

Turns out, it's all of the above.

I'm sad that the person who helped create me is gone. He was still my father, even if he was horrible at being so.
I'm glad that I was able to say good-bye in my own way and that he's no longer sick.
I'm hurt that he never took the time to be a real dad to me, or the time to get to know me, his son-in-law, or his grandson.
I'm ok. I always have been and will continue to be. Because while everything changed, nothing changed at all.

My Little Concert Universe

My favorite band, Depeche Mode, is getting ready to hit the road on a world tour in support of their latest album, "Spirit." And for the first time since 2009, I'll get to see them live! I can't wait! I know I'm slightly biased by my love of this band, but if you've ever seen them live you can understand my absolute excitement. If you have not seen them live, I do believe you should make time to at least watch some live performances on YouTube.

Between watching live feeds of pre-tour shows DM have been doing, along with a recording of a live Siouxsie & The Banshees show from 1981 the other day, I started thinking about my experiences with seeing bands in concert. When it comes down to it, from my first live show (alone, without my mom) at age 13 to now pushing my mid-40s, I really haven't been to many concerts. But I'm ok with that. Why? Because I have had the pleasure of seeing most of my all-time favorite bands. I can't ask for much more than that.

For someone who lives and breathes music, who finds solace, escape, happiness, and pleasure in music, and who finds more importance in music as therapy than anything else, it seems a little odd that I haven't been to more shows.
But I haven't gone to, and don't go to, many live shows for a handful of reasons:
1. Lack of money.
2. Time and cost of travel.
3. The overwhelming sense of over stimulation from the crowds and noise.
4. The tug-o-war between Pleasure vs. Responsibility.
5. I don't want to bore you with more reasons.

In my 33 years of DM fandom, I've only been able to see them live 6 times (plus an additional 2 solo Dave Gahan shows), which seems incredibly lame compared to stories of fans that have traveled the world and have seen them 20, 30, 40 times or more. But I've cherished each one of those 8 shows.

If I were to make a list of my Top 10 all time favorite bands, it would probably look something like this (in no particular order, other than DM being #1): Depeche Mode, Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, Queen, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Joy Division, Kenna, Io Echo, The Airborne Toxic Event, and OMD.
And guess what? I've seen each of them live, at least once, except Queen and Joy Division. I did, however, get to see New Order (Bernard, Stephen, & Gillian) in 2014 and Peter Hook & The Light in 2016, each performing JD songs - so kind of close. Close enough for me, at least, since I was only 7 when Ian Curtis left this world.

So, while I sometimes feel envious of people who can, and do, go to show after show, I feel more content that I've managed to make the relative few shows I've gone to special ones and events that I will always carry with me.

If you've made it through this rambling little post, congratulations! And Thank You. There wasn't a real purpose to it other than I just felt like writing. Now I just need October to get here so I can experience the joy that is DEPECHE MODE!!!

Tour on ladies and gents! And we'll see you next time! ;)

Shy Socialites

Shy Socialites is the union of the graphic design and illustration passions of sisters Barbara and Tricia Wilson. They create custom invitations for all occasions, along with other special treats like cards, party kits, and custom illustrations of people, pets, and more!

I have been friends with Tricia for some time now and have followed Shy Socialites on Zazzle, Etsy, Facebook, and their own site for years. I adore the work that they do and think you will too! 

I recently had the opportunity to order a custom illustration as a Christmas gift for my best friend and her husband. The process is simple and the Wilson Sisters are professional, quick to respond, and easy to work with. And the end result is something that will be cherished forever. 

I chose the Custom Cartoon Drawing option. Here you can choose to do a single, double, or family portrait. You place your order for the option you want, then receive an email with a "Custom Character Illustration Questionnaire." If there is more than one person in the illustration, you fill out a form for each character. The questionnaire has questions about the person's personality, hobbies, interests, and favorite things, as well as the basics - eye color, hair color/type, height, etc. There is also a spot for you to include anything else you'd like to share about your subjects.
I submitted the questionnaires, along with photographs of my friends. Then Tricia did her magic. She asked me questions. We discussed the direction I wanted to go with the illustration. And what came from that was a gift that I fell in love with. And I think the recipients did too. She captured their likenesses perfectly. The extra design aspects (colors, border) were incredible. I knew the talent that this woman (both of these ladies) had. I have seen her illustrations of people before. Yet I was still surprised at just how amazingly accurate the characterization of my friends was! 

Here is the final product:

Taking their love of tropical flowers and travel destinations, as well as a love of Disney, my friends are surrounded by beautiful flowers and hidden Mickeys!

Please check Shy Socialites out! If you're getting married, if you're having a baby, if your son or daughter is graduating, or if you are looking for the perfect gift for your best friend - THIS is the place to go! Not only will you be receiving a special keepsake for your special occasions, but you will be supporting two amazing women and a fabulous small business.

Pain and Suffering in Various Tempos

On March 6, 2017, I got to do something I haven't been able to do for 8 years. I bought tickets to see Depeche Mode.

DEPECHE. MODE.

For the average person, this may not seem like a big deal.

But to me, this is a huge deal. This is me, getting to see my favorite band in concert. And not just any favorite band - my favorite band for the last 32+ years.

For me, Depeche Mode is about music.

About meaning.

About feeling.

About love.

About life.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I grew up listening to everything from Abba to Queen, John Denver to Luciano Pavarotti. I still do, to some extent, though I caught the New Wave bug at an early age and have yet to shake it.

I was 12 years old when Depeche Mode caught my eye - or ear. I had been a huge Duranie when I was 10 and 11 years old. At 12, things started to change. I listened to KJET and KYYX, early 80s new wave based radio stations in Seattle. I was introduced to artists like Kate Bush, The Cure, Siouxsie & The Banshees, and Depeche Mode.

"People Are People" is the first song I remember hearing. And I loved it. When I saw the video? I loved it even more. I became an instant fan. Soon, Duran Duran started disappearing from my bedroom walls and 4 lads from Basildon quickly took over. I bought "Some Great Reward". Not long after, I added "Speak & Spell", "A Broken Frame", and "Construction Time Again" to my collection. In listening to those other albums, I realized that I had heard "Dreaming of Me", "Just Can't Get Enough" and "Everything Counts" before. I figure that they weren't the right songs at the right time, though, because it wasn't until "People Are People" that Depeche Mode stuck in my head.

By the time I was 16 years old, both "Black Celebration" and "Music For The Masses" had joined the family. At 15, I got to see DM live in Seattle on the MFTM tour. It was magical and made me love them even more. But it would be a track from Black Celebration that would quickly become the most important song in my life - and would continue to guide me through good and bad, happy and sad so many years later.

When I was 16, I began to suffer from depression. It wasn't the 'woe is me I'm a moody teenager' depression. It wasn't the 'you listen to depressing music, how can you NOT be depressed' depression. 

(For the record, I have never found DM's music depressing, and I loathe the nickname Depressed Mode)

I was always the shy, quiet girl. In school I had friends - good friends; great friends. But I still often felt like I didn't fit in or belong. This is something I still struggle with on occasion, well into my 40s - but I'm working on it. I was different from some of my friends in the music I listened to, the way I dressed, the ways I wore my hair. And though I know they liked me, there were still moments where I felt unsure. I began a spiral of feeling like if I never existed, it wouldn't matter. If I were in the hospital, no one would come visit me. If I ceased living, no one would miss me. Let me say this - I never hurt myself. I never even really considered doing myself any true physical harm. 

This was purely mental for me. 

In one of my 'moments' I was listening to Black Celebration. "But Not Tonight" came on. I always liked that song. But it wasn't until that moment, 2+ years after its release, that I truly LISTENED to that song. That I truly began to appreciate that song. And found an absolute true love of that song. Like a brick wall, it hit me and left an impression so deep that I carry it around with me today. I don't know why it was that particular moment in time that it struck me so deeply. But it did, and I will forever be thankful that it did.

"And I haven't felt so alive, in years..."

Things started to get better for me by the time I started my senior year of high school. I have continued to cope with depression throughout my life off and on - some bouts worse than others. 

"But Not Tonight" is not always the solution when I am down. But it does help and will forever mean something special to me and will always hold my hand when I need it.

In the years since, albums have been released, and over and over again I fall head over heels in love with certain songs, each meaning something important to me for one reason or another. There is something very special about this band. They have been a part of my life longer than most anyone else, other than family and a few friends. Martin Gore (and now Dave Gahan) writes for people like me, people like you, and people who want and need to feel like they belong somewhere. The lonely. The popular. The young. The old. The jaded. The optimist. We're all welcome here. And through this fandom, I have met some amazing people. The online DM family is full of excitement and friendship. In person, the family bond is even stronger. 

I may get geeky about Depeche Mode - at a level normal people can't understand. But it's a way of life that got me through awkward teenage years, through relationships, through friendships, through pregnancy and motherhood, and continues to get me through the world we live in and life in general.