I Don't Have Anxiety

I overthink pretty much everything.
But I don't have anxiety.

I worry about things I don't need to worry about.

But I don't have anxiety.

I stress out way too easily.

But I don't have anxiety.

On an airplane I hold on to the arm rests for dear life and I tear up during take off.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have suffered from occasional, sometimes deep depression for 30 years.

But I don't have anxiety. 

I question myself, the things I do, and the way people think about me.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have stomach issues and was prescribed an anxiety med to help with the "anxiety" that comes from having the stomach issues.

But I don't have anxiety.

I feel anxious about having to take an anxiety med.
But I don't have anxiety.

But I do have anxiety.
And it's time to rid myself of the denial.
It's time to embrace my anxiety.
It's time to focus on my good.
It's time to remember that it's OK.
Because I do have anxiety.

Pain and Suffering in Various Tempos

On March 6, 2017, I got to do something I haven't been able to do for 8 years. I bought tickets to see Depeche Mode.

DEPECHE. MODE.

For the average person, this may not seem like a big deal.

But to me, this is a huge deal. This is me, getting to see my favorite band in concert. And not just any favorite band - my favorite band for the last 32+ years.

For me, Depeche Mode is about music.

About meaning.

About feeling.

About love.

About life.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I grew up listening to everything from Abba to Queen, John Denver to Luciano Pavarotti. I still do, to some extent, though I caught the New Wave bug at an early age and have yet to shake it.

I was 12 years old when Depeche Mode caught my eye - or ear. I had been a huge Duranie when I was 10 and 11 years old. At 12, things started to change. I listened to KJET and KYYX, early 80s new wave based radio stations in Seattle. I was introduced to artists like Kate Bush, The Cure, Siouxsie & The Banshees, and Depeche Mode.

"People Are People" is the first song I remember hearing. And I loved it. When I saw the video? I loved it even more. I became an instant fan. Soon, Duran Duran started disappearing from my bedroom walls and 4 lads from Basildon quickly took over. I bought "Some Great Reward". Not long after, I added "Speak & Spell", "A Broken Frame", and "Construction Time Again" to my collection. In listening to those other albums, I realized that I had heard "Dreaming of Me", "Just Can't Get Enough" and "Everything Counts" before. I figure that they weren't the right songs at the right time, though, because it wasn't until "People Are People" that Depeche Mode stuck in my head.

By the time I was 16 years old, both "Black Celebration" and "Music For The Masses" had joined the family. At 15, I got to see DM live in Seattle on the MFTM tour. It was magical and made me love them even more. But it would be a track from Black Celebration that would quickly become the most important song in my life - and would continue to guide me through good and bad, happy and sad so many years later.

When I was 16, I began to suffer from depression. It wasn't the 'woe is me I'm a moody teenager' depression. It wasn't the 'you listen to depressing music, how can you NOT be depressed' depression. 

(For the record, I have never found DM's music depressing, and I loathe the nickname Depressed Mode)

I was always the shy, quiet girl. In school I had friends - good friends; great friends. But I still often felt like I didn't fit in or belong. This is something I still struggle with on occasion, well into my 40s - but I'm working on it. I was different from some of my friends in the music I listened to, the way I dressed, the ways I wore my hair. And though I know they liked me, there were still moments where I felt unsure. I began a spiral of feeling like if I never existed, it wouldn't matter. If I were in the hospital, no one would come visit me. If I ceased living, no one would miss me. Let me say this - I never hurt myself. I never even really considered doing myself any true physical harm. 

This was purely mental for me. 

In one of my 'moments' I was listening to Black Celebration. "But Not Tonight" came on. I always liked that song. But it wasn't until that moment, 2+ years after its release, that I truly LISTENED to that song. That I truly began to appreciate that song. And found an absolute true love of that song. Like a brick wall, it hit me and left an impression so deep that I carry it around with me today. I don't know why it was that particular moment in time that it struck me so deeply. But it did, and I will forever be thankful that it did.

"And I haven't felt so alive, in years..."

Things started to get better for me by the time I started my senior year of high school. I have continued to cope with depression throughout my life off and on - some bouts worse than others. 

"But Not Tonight" is not always the solution when I am down. But it does help and will forever mean something special to me and will always hold my hand when I need it.

In the years since, albums have been released, and over and over again I fall head over heels in love with certain songs, each meaning something important to me for one reason or another. There is something very special about this band. They have been a part of my life longer than most anyone else, other than family and a few friends. Martin Gore (and now Dave Gahan) writes for people like me, people like you, and people who want and need to feel like they belong somewhere. The lonely. The popular. The young. The old. The jaded. The optimist. We're all welcome here. And through this fandom, I have met some amazing people. The online DM family is full of excitement and friendship. In person, the family bond is even stronger. 

I may get geeky about Depeche Mode - at a level normal people can't understand. But it's a way of life that got me through awkward teenage years, through relationships, through friendships, through pregnancy and motherhood, and continues to get me through the world we live in and life in general.

Must Love Dogs?

There is a meme that has gone around Facebook a few hundred times that says "I don't trust a person that doesn't like dogs, but I trust a dog that doesn't like people" (and other variations).
You hear vets, pet shop owners and workers, professional dog walkers, dog owners, and others talk about how wonderful these fuzzy four-legged creatures are and who wouldn't love a dog? Everyone loves dogs. You have to love dogs.

But what if you don't love dogs? What if there are people out there that genuinely do not like your, or any other, fuzzy four-legged companions? What if? Now, I'm not talking about cat owners who say they aren't really dog people, but they still love dogs. I mean straight up, couldn't be clearer, I DON'T LIKE DOGS people. How could people like that possibly walk this earth? Do they actually exist?

YES. They do exist. And I am one of them.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that people love dogs. I can looks at pictures of little puppies and think of it as an adorable little puffball. I mourn for friends that lose their beloved four-legged family member. And I would never wish harm upon a dog. But I don't like dogs.

I don't like barking, licking, sniffing, being rubbed up against, or being jumped on.

I also don't like the fear that comes along with some of those actions. Yes, fear. I'm not afraid of all dogs. But I am afraid of some dogs. Certain breeds and actions can cause me paralyzing and tear-inducing fear. Irrational fears, perhaps. But fear all the same. Telling me, or people like me, how friendly your dog is does nothing to alleviate that fear. Please think about that when your "happy" pet is bounding down the sidewalk coming my direction. Please think about that when your "friendly" dog is trying to show me how friendly they really are by jumping on me or sniffing me. They say dogs smell fear. If that's the case, fear is the only thing they will be able to smell until I am safely out of range.

But do you know what's almost worse than the fear? The reaction I get if I say "I don't like dogs." That single phrase gives me looks of shock. It gives me looks of disappointment. It gives me looks of confusion. It gives me looks as if I've just kicked their dog in the head (that is the worst because I would NEVER cause harm to an animal unless it was a matter of life or death for me or a loved one).

I don't get it.

I don't hate your dog. I don't hate dogs in general. I don't want or need you to defend your dog to me. They just aren't my thing. It's as easy as that. I don't like chocolate either. And while that still generates a strong reaction, it's nowhere near the negative feedback I get from not liking dogs.
I love Depeche Mode. But if someone says they don't, I don't look down on them. It's a matter of taste, and we all have people, things, foods, beverages, and more that we either like or don't. It doesn't make anyone a bad person if they don't like something someone else does. It just makes us human.

There you have it.

Thank you for reading.