Ranking Depeche Mode Albums - Emotion Vs. Science*

What's your favorite Depeche Mode album? Chances are, when asked that question, you have an easy answer. You may even be able to rattle off your top five albums with ease. 

But what goes into choosing a favorite album? Usually, it's emotion. We love the songs. The music, the lyrics, the production - they all move us in ways that other albums don't do. They might also be our favorites because of the time in our life when we heard them. Maybe it was our first album. Maybe it's because of the B-sides and remixes available. Maybe it makes us think of the relationships in our life - friends, family, romantic partners. Maybe it was the album that prompted your first or favorite concert. 

What if you put all that aside and focus on the songs. How do you feel when you listen to the albums without emotional ties or preconceived ideas? And is that even possible? 

It's something I tried to challenge myself to do. Are the albums I list as my top five really my top five? Are the albums I consider my least favorite accurate? Do I think of them as my least favorite because I don't, or haven't, listened to them much? Or is that why I don't listen to them that often?

For this experiment, I listened to all 15 studio albums, from the first release to the latest release. I used a super scientific method for rating the songs. Then, on a scale of 1-5, based on my super scientific* method, I calculated the average rating for each album and found my ultimate Depeche Mode album ranking. How would my emotion-based ranking compare to my science-based ranking? Would they be similar? Or would they be drastically different? Let's take a look.

First, the Super Scientific Method Rules I Followed:

Basic Studio Album Releases Only. No B-sides. No Remixes. No Live. No "Best of"/Singles Compilations. 
Each song to be ranked by the following category:
Love 

Like 

OK

Meh
NO

Love = 5; Like = 4; OK = 3; Meh = 2; NO = 1

Songs could fall in half categories - i.e., it falls between Like and Love or Meh and OK, etc. 

The total score is added and divided by the number of songs on the album. 

Here we go...Remember, this is purely for my scientific (entertainment) purposes only. 

My Top 5 Ranking:

Super Scientific Top 5 Ranking:

The top 3 are the same, which does not surprise me. ULTRA and BC actually tied with the same score in my scientific ranking. The bottom two on the super scientific list kind of took me by surprise. I love both albums, but I typically think of them in my second-tier 5 albums. 

Super Scientific Final Ranking for all 15 Albums:

This feels about right to me. I think the emotional ranking side of me would maybe put some of them in a different order, but they essentially fall into similar groupings of 5 if I were to list them on my own. The instrumentals on some of these albums dropped their final rankings lower than I think they would have had without them.

Taking emotion and preconceived ideas out of listening and ranking each song was difficult. But I did my best to listen to each song with a new perspective, open mind, and clear thoughts. 

Think about doing this yourself. See where the differences are and if you can figure out why. It's a challenge. But it's worth it. 

And remember - your rankings, emotional or scientific, are YOUR rankings. And it's OK for them to be different from everyone else. The beauty of art, in all of its forms, is that it's subjective. What moves you might not move someone else. And that's how it should be. If we all liked all the same things, what a boring life this would be. 

Thanks for reading!

*Super Scientific is being used here lightly. This was all just for fun because sometimes I can be a bit nerdy like this. 

Gene Kelly: A Life in Music - a Review

Gene Kelly.

Director.

Choreographer.

Dancer.

Actor.

Singer.

My all-time favorite entertainer. 

Writer, actor, and comedian Brett Goldstein hosts a podcast called "Films to be Buried With" in which he asks his guests about the pivotal movies in their lives. One question is, "Objectively, what is the best movie ever made?" Objectively, or unobjectively, my answer is, was, and will always be "Singing in the Rain." 

I don't know what the first Gene Kelly movie I saw was. It may very well have been "Singing in the Rain". But it could have been "On The Town" or "An American in Paris". I just know he's been a figure in my life since I was a very little girl. How many 8 or 9 year old girls do you know that were more excited about seeing "Xanadu" because of Gene Kelly than Olivia Newton-John? I could write paragraphs about my love, admiration, and respect for this talented man. But the point of this is to review his wife's incredible dedication to her husband and his career by putting together the show "Gene Kelly: A Life In Music". 

Patricia Kelly, along with conductor Neil Thompson and the Seattle Symphony Orchestra, filled Benaroya Hall with so much joy, love, humor, fun, and even - for me at least - a few tears.

I have followed Patricia on social media for awhile with the Gene Kelly The Legacy Facebook and Instagram pages. She shares many wonderful stories and photos there, that I have enjoyed reading and learning from. When I heard that this show was coming to Seattle and I would be able to see her and hear her stories in person, I jumped at the opportunity. 

Seeing Gene Kelly perform on a big screen with a live orchestra playing the music he so gracefully moved to? YES PLEASE! 

The opportunity to hear these stories in person? YES PLEASE!

To be able to meet this beautiful and giving woman, as well? I'll be honest, I fan-girled a little bit. 

I've heard Patricia say that she likes to treat these events like friends gathered in the living room just talking. And she succeeded. As much as I loved watching the movie and show clips and hearing the music, I could have easily sat with her for hours listening to the stories, asking questions, and just hanging out in that 'living room'. 

But let me get to the task at hand - the show!

Guests at Gene Kelly: A Life in Music were treated to a brief introduction to who Patricia Kelly is, by the woman herself. She shared about how, as someone who spent more time in libraries than movie theaters, she did not know who Gene was and wasn't familiar with any of his movies. As other women at the event they were both at swooned over him, she was put to work with him because she didn't. Their professional time gradually became personal time, and 5 years later they were married. 

Throughout the evening we were regaled with personal stories, behind the scenes anecdotes, and more bookended by glorious music and Gene's smiles, footwork, and passion for bringing out the very best in himself and those he danced with - including the stunning Cyd Charisse, and lovely Leslie Caron. 

The show started with "Has Anybody Here Seen Kelly?" from the 1959 Gene Kelly television special. Followed by a beautifully touching montage to "Stardust" by Hoagy Carmichael. We were then treated to clips from "Anchors Aweigh", "It's Always Fair Weather", and the classic "An American in Paris". The 17 minute "An American In Paris" ballet took us in to intermission. 

After a brief intermission, we were welcomed back to the show with a drummer and bagpipers playing "Entrance of the Clans" from "Brigadoon" while making the journey from the back of the theater to the stage. It was incredible! We then got to hear "Heather on the Hill", also from "Brigadoon", followed by another selection from both "An American in Paris" and the 1959 television special, as well as moments from "Summer Stock", "Les Girls", and "Take Me Out to the Ball Game". "Singing in the Rain" made an appearance with the gorgeous "Broadway Melody" dance numbers with Cyd Charisse. Then we were treated with the most emotional part of the night for me - Gene on "The Muppet Show". 

Yes, Gene and the Muppets made me tear up. Maybe it's because I remember watching it and loving it so. Maybe it was the story from Patricia about it being hard for her to watch because it's how Gene looked and sounded when she met him. I don't know. But that particular moment touched me in a way I didn't quite expect. 

The night ended with the forever iconic, forever important to the history of music, dance, and cinema - "Singing in the Rain" from, of course, "Singing in the Rain". I have been fortunate enough to see this movie on the big screen before. Seeing a larger than life version of this moment with live orchestral accompaniment, however...well, that was just a level of special I can't describe. 

After the show was over, there was an area in the lobby of the hall where Patricia held a meet and greet. I was able to get there quickly and was the 3rd in line (5th with there being two groups of two in front of me). She is even lovelier and more gracious in person and with the people that adore her husband, and her, so very much. A quick chat, a photo, and a signed show program later, and we were off for the journey home. On the hour and half, or so, trip home I found myself feeling a physical version of lyrics from one of my favorite Depeche Mode songs - "never want to come down, never want to put my feet back down on the ground."

If you ever see that Gene Kelly: A Life in Music is coming to a venue near you, I HIGHLY recommend going. I promise you won't be disappointed. 

Thank you, Benaroya Hall & Seattle Symphony for being a vessel for this amazing experience.

And THANK YOU, Patricia, for being a curator, story teller, and woman with a such a love not only for her husband and his work, but for the people who have watched, enjoyed, and loved the gifts that his work have given to so many of us. You are a very special light in this world, and I thank you for bringing your living room chat to us here in Seattle. If there is ever an opportunity to meet with you again, I will be there with tap shoes on. Thank you.

Depeche Mode Will Be Ghosts Again

"Wasted feelings, broken meanings. Time is fleeting, see what it brings..."

This is my Depeche confessional - a Depechional, if you will - I was not necessarily excited for "Ghosts Again", the new single by Depeche Mode from the upcoming "Memento Mori" album. 

"Hellos, goodbyes, a thousand midnights. Lost in sleepless lullabies..."

I'll be honest, the passing of Andrew "Fletch" Fletcher straight up knocked the wind out of my sails and I wasn't sure I even wanted DM to continue. How can you remain whole when the glue that holds your pieces together loses its grip and is no longer there?

"Heaven's dreaming, thoughtless thoughts my friends. We know we'll be ghosts again..."

When the brief snippet of the song was released, I wasn't wowed. I actually found it kind of blah and uninspired. I didn't listen to any of the countless brief snippet remixes because a) Why would I want to listen to a bit of music I wasn't into on repeat; and b) I didn't want to get so annoyed with just that one little bit that I'd be turned off the song as a whole once we could listen to it in full.

"Sunday's shining, silver linings. Weightless hours, all my flowers..."

Personally, there has been a lot going on in my world. A lot of stress. A struggle to survive. I did not have it in me to jump at the exact moment the song and video were going to be released. I needed to find the right headspace to listen. I needed to be able to fully listen, take it in, and, if need be, cry. Cry for Andy being gone. Cry for Dave and Martin coming back. Cry for a new volume in the Depeche Mode lyrical soundtrack of my life.

"A place to hide the tears that you cried. Everybody says goodbye..."

I was finally able to hear the song. Then I was finally able to LISTEN to the song. 

Lyrically it is simple and poetic. It has depth and meaning, but it lies under that tender blanket of simplicity and poetry.

Musically it hints at the Violator era melodies and mid-2000s electronica beats. It feels familiar and comfortable. And I think that's what both they needed and we needed. 

Vocally, for me, this is the strongest and clearest I've heard Dave's vocals since the pre-2000s. There isn't the gritty, growly, over-singing that's been a hallmark of recent releases. Again, takes me back to the Violator era and the clean, melodic tones and sounds that are familiar and comfortable. Will the feelings, emotions, and sounds of this song carry throughout the whole of "Memento Mori"? We'll find out on March 24th. Until then...

"Faith is sleeping. Lovers in the end. Whisper we'll be ghosts again."

World Violation - 30 Years Later

In 1988 I got to see Depeche Mode live for the first time on the Music For The Masses tour.
In 1990 they hit the road again in support of the phenomenal Violator album.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to see DM on this tour. Seattle was to play host to the Goodwill Games that summer, which meant we'd be left off a lot of tour schedules that year. I knew Violator would take the boys to other cities around me, but without having many fellow fan friends, I wasn't sure a trip to one of those cities would be in my future.

30 years later, I am still in awe of that tour and what I got to experience as a result of it.

In 1990, I was a senior in high school. I was getting ready to graduate. I was going to turn 18 that summer. Things were good. A chance encounter with an acquaintance at a school function turned into something that was going to make things even better.

I overheard this acquaintance talking to another schoolmate about how excited she was to go see Depeche Mode over the summer. As a very shy person, it's not in my nature to strike up conversations with people I don't know very well. But there is something about DM that makes that shyness drift away and boldness take over. 
I approached her and asked if I had heard her correctly about going to see Depeche Mode. We started talking and I found out she was planning on trying for tickets for both Vancouver, BC and Portland, OR. I asked if she'd mind an extra guest on these trips. To my surprise and joy, she said sure! We spent time talking, getting to know each other, and making plans.

The shows were going to be on July 16th and July 18th, respectively. My birthday being July 15th, my mom said she would pay for my tickets as part of my birthday present. When tickets went on sale, my friend's mom bought the tickets and we set our firm plans.

Monday, July 16, 1990:

My friend (we'll call her K), her mom (also a DM fan), her friend (we'll call her E), and I hit the road for 3ish hour drive north to Vancouver. K, E, and I gabbed and sang while her mom did the driving. We crossed the border and headed to Pacific Coliseum. We parked and K, E, and I headed off to walk around, then find some dinner before the show. We were parked near the back of the coliseum, and as we walked toward the front, we passed by the back doors where the bands, crews, and employees were coming in and out. We stopped for a bit to see if we could see anyone exciting. Someone from a group of people sitting on the grassy knoll above that area told us we had just missed Nitzer Ebb go in, but we did see a few members of DM's crew mulling about. We left soon after to eat, then headed back to get K's mom and head inside to our seats.
We were situated on the left side of the stage, about as far up to the top of the venue as you could get. We had a giant post blocking part of our view. But we didn't care. We were seeing Depeche Mode. The show was loud, exciting, and magical. Both NE and DM sounded amazing and put on great shows. There was an electricity that was abuzz all night.
After the show, we headed back to the States, stopping for a late night bite at a Denny's just across the border, with what seemed to be an entire restaurant full of very happy fellow concert-goers. Then it was the 3ish hour drive back home.

Wednesday, July 18, 1990:

This show was just going to be K, her mom, and me. This time K did the driving for the 3ish hour drive south to Portland. And this time I took a camera.

As we approached Memorial Coliseum in Portland, we were stopped by a red light. As we sat waiting for the light to turn so we could turn into the parking lot, I looked out the window and saw what looked like Bon Harris from Nitzer Ebb skateboarding in the lot. As I told K, a guy approached him and they started talking. 

The light finally turned green and we turned in and found a place to park. Much like in Vancouver, K's mom was going to read and nap in the car while K and I walked around and found some dinner. As we left the car, we discussed whether we should go talk to Bon, who was alone again by that time. We decided to go for it, so we headed over toward him. We introduced ourselves, told him we'd seen the show two nights prior in Vancouver, and chatted a bit. He was very friendly and let us each take a picture of him. Did we think to ask if we could take pictures of ourselves with him? No. No we didn't. But he happily obliged these two teen girls with their old Kodak 110 cameras. 

After the photos we said our goodbyes and were off to explore.

At one point during our walking around, an older gentleman sitting alone along the side of the venue told us if we go around back, we could listen to Depeche Mode doing their soundcheck. We headed to the back of the venue where there was a small group of maybe 10 people standing around. We joined them and could hear the tail end of the soundcheck through the open door. I vividly remember hearing Martin's vocals carrying throughout the area. All of us standing there were in awe. 
There were crew and security buzzing about, and two boxy limos parked.

As we continued to listen, Bon and Douglas from Nitzer Ebb came out from a bus parked a little bit further out from the back of the venue. As they got closer, we saw Bon say something to Douglas, then they both waved at K and I before entering the venue. Soon after that both limos started up. Were DM on their way out? We weren't about to leave until we found out. Soon after some guys came out followed shortly thereafter by Alan Wilder. He acknowledged the small crowd, smiling and waving at us all before getting into the limo.

Next, Dave Gahan came out, put some things in the trunk of the limo, then also smiled and waved at us. 

Their limo took off and we waited. 
A few minutes later Andy Fletcher made his way out and retreated straight into the limo.

A few more minutes passed. Then a few more. Then the limo backed up even closer to the back door of the venue. I'm not saying that it was because of the sudden "Martin Gore is a God" chants that started...but I'm not saying it's not either. Martin came out, head down and ducked quickly into the limo. Then off they went.

After the excitement of that brush with celebrity we left to grab some dinner. Once back, we grabbed K's mom and found out way to our seats. This time, no nose bleed seats, no obstructed views. We were in the first tier of seats off floor level directly across from the stage. We saw both NE and DM perfectly. And both were incredible. Getting to see the full stage this time, there was an even deeper appreciation of the performances each band put on. Dave was alive with his dancing and movements. The visuals on the screens played perfectly with the songs. It was another magical night.
After the show, as we made our way to K's car to drive home, we passed the same backstage door we were lucky enough to see the boys emerge from after their soundcheck. This time it was FULL of people trying to see the band. We happily made our way to the car knowing that what we got was more special than fighting to see through a crowd of sweaty bodies hoping to catch a glimpse of someone, anyone.
Around 2:30am I made my way into bed with a smile on my face - and wanting the new day to dawn soon so I could drop my film off to be developed. The photos aren't great, but for the time, 30 years ago, they aren't half bad. And they are the perfect photographic reminders of the memories I have held for all these years and will continue to hold for at least 30 more. They're also all I have left from these shows - due to an unfortunate incident, my t-shirts and tour program, along with my MFTM merch, found their way out of my possession, never to be seen again. I miss those programs and tees. But anyway...

I haven't been lucky enough to see Depeche Mode dozens of times. I don't have the means to travel around the U.S., let alone around the world, to see their shows. But I have been lucky enough to have amazing and special experiences when I have seen them. I've seen them in two of the most beautiful venues in the U.S. - the Gorge Amphitheater in Washington and Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. I've been in Row 2 and Row 4. I've met them in a pre-show meet & greet. Each show I've seen has been full of energy and life. But if I had to choose my favorite tour/show/experience, I have to go with World Violation. Having the best seats in the best venues doesn't always make for the best show. For me, it's the overall experience. The joy. My joy. The air that I breathe. My joy. The blood in my veins. My joy. Heavenly bliss. My joy...you move me...

May 2 - A 32 Year Black Celebration

On May 2, 1988 I went to my first Depeche Mode show.
On May 2, 2020, I saw Depeche Mode inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. 

At least, I was supposed to.

I have started and stopped this blog post so many times. This was going to be about my journey to Cleveland and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. It was going to include journal entries I made showing the range of emotions I felt from the moment I was lucky enough to buy tickets to the moment the ceremony was postponed due to Covid-19. Now it's going to be musings from my mind and a celebration of May 2, 1988 - May 2, 2020.

It was 1988. Depeche Mode were on their Music For The Masses tour - you know, that one that culminated with the famous Rose Bowl show that would be documented in the D.A. Pennebaker film, 101.
I was so excited to go the show. From the moment the opening beats of Pimpf began, to the last notes of Everything Counts, I was a screaming, dancing, singing 15 year old. It was not my first concert ever, but it was my first experience with the power of a live DM show. And it was incredible.

Fast forward nearly 32 years.

On January 15, 2020, the news I'd waited years to hear came - Depeche Mode were going to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. As a fan, I was ecstatic. I started thinking about how I would be able to watch coverage of the ceremony. Would it be aired live? Would I have to wait until after the fact to watch it online? 

The induction ceremony would take place on May 2nd. 
May 2nd? Why did that date feel so familiar to me? 

Look at that ticket price!

It never occurred to me that I might have an opportunity to go to Cleveland to see it happen in person.

*Insert a lot of unnecessary backstory here*

I got tickets! 

Somewhat affordable seats at the back of the venue? Yes.
Did I care that I'd be sitting in the suburbs of Cleveland? No.
I was going to be in the same venue as Depeche Mode, and I was going to celebrate the 32nd anniversary of my first Depeche Mode experience by seeing them rightfully inducted into the Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

*Insert every emotion imaginable coursing through my veins day after day, week after week here*

Once Covid-19 started to spread and events were being postponed and cancelled, I knew deep down the induction ceremony would not go on as planned. Then the news came - it was postponed indefinitely. 
Eventually a new date was set (which could still be postponed again). 
Unfortunately, I will no longer be attending.

*Insert every emotion imaginable again here*

May 2, 2020 may not have gone the way I had planned, hoped, and wanted it to go. But I still spent the evening with other devotees, celebrating the band and their accomplishment, via a Zoom meeting - the new way to hang out with friends while Covid-19 has it's way with the world. I only knew a couple of people in the group, and didn't really say much (which is normal for me even in groups of people I know, to be honest). But it was still a much needed evening spent with people that share of love of this band that has been a soundtrack to all of our lives. 
Much thanks to Rob from Depeche Mode Global Fan Group on Facebook for setting up this Hall of Fame pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-show funk. And to DJ Tony Stewart for providing the tunes after the main chat. 

Congratulations to Depeche Mode and the rest of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Class of 2020!

We'll see you next time!

Sweetest Perfection - Violator at 30

10 years ago, I wrote a blog about the 20th anniversary of the release of "Violator", Depeche Mode's amazing and groundbreaking album released on March 19, 1990.

Now here I sit wondering how another 10 years have passed and how it's been THIRTY YEARS since this album was released. It's also been 30 years since I graduated from high school, but I think I'm in more disbelief about "Violator" turning 30. 

A lot of albums, at 30 years old, sound dated. You can tell when these songs and notes came into the world. I know I'm biased when it comes to Depeche Mode, but for me, "Violator" sounds as fresh and new now as it did back then. Reading what I wrote 10 years ago, there isn't a lot more I can add. I still love this album. It's still one of the greatest albums ever made. It's still an important piece of my life.

Here is what I wrote in 2010:

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sweetest Perfection - Violator at 20

March 19th and 20th marked the 20th anniversary of the release dates (UK & US respectively) for Depeche Mode's Violator album. For many it was their introduction to Depeche Mode thanks to the success of the songs "Personal Jesus" and "Enjoy The Silence." For others it was the next step for a band who had just about 2 years earlier had put on the concert of a lifetime at Pasadena's Rose Bowl with the 101st show on their Music for the Masses tour.
By the time Violator was released in 1990, I had been listening to Depeche Mode for 6 years. My introduction to their music came in 1984 with the song "People Are People." I still remember going to the record store and buying Some Great Reward on cassette. Soon after that came the purchases of Speak & Spell, A Broken Frame, and Construction Time Again, where I learned that I had also heard "Everything Counts" and "Just Can't Get Enough" on the radio long before PAP. I just never knew who sang them and was, I guess, too young at the time to have really formed a deep connection. But I soon became a devotee. Walls that were once covered in posters of Duran Duran became covered in posters of Depeche Mode. My first live show was on May 2, 1988 at the Seattle Center Coliseum on the MFTM tour.
I eagerly awaited the release of the follow up album, but I will confess that the first time I heard "Personal Jesus" I was less than impressed. It took me a few listens to warm up to it, but once I did, I was hooked. When Violator was released I was working at a record store so I was able to buy it right away. I was also able to play it when I worked - over and over. And over and over again I did. I loved this album. From the opening beats of "World In My Eyes" to the closing notes of "Clean" there was something special about Violator. The only song that didn't wow me was "Policy of Truth" - which to this day is still my least favorite song on the album. I don't dislike it, but it doesn't touch me in a way the rest of the songs do. Three of my Top 10 DM songs are on this album (Halo, Enjoy The Silence, & Waiting For The Night) with two others (Blue Dress & Clean) creeping in depending on my mood.
I wish Violator a very Happy Anniversary. It will always be a special album that will fill my life with incredible sounds and fun, exciting, and emotional memories. The subsequent tour found me traveling to both Vancouver, BC and Portland, OR to see them perform, and again, I was not disappointed. They remain, to this day, one of the greatest, yet most underrated (to non-fans) live bands around. And 20 years on, "Personal Jesus" and "Enjoy The Silence" remain concert staples - with occasional appearances by "World In My Eyes," "Policy of Truth," and "Halo" - always crowd favorites.

If you want to visit the original blog, you can go here:

https://rdwnggrl.blogspot.com/2010/03/sweetest-perfection-violator-at-20.html

Thank you for reading!

Spirits in the Forest - One Fan's Review

*The thoughts and opinions expressed in this review express the thoughts and opinions of the author, and the author alone. 

Spirits in the Forest - the Depeche Mode fan documentary/live performance movie mash-up went into theaters worldwide on Thursday, November 21, 2019, giving viewers a glimpse into the lives of 6 fans before they travel to Berlin to watch the final show of the band's Global Spirit tour in 2018. 

I didn't really read many reviews prior to watching the movie. I like to go into movies with an open mind, not swayed by someone's opinion. I did, however, know the basic concept of the film. In reading other reviews of the movie, though, it seems there was some confusion about the main focus. 

The focus was the fans, not the band. It seems, for some, that the band just wasn't featured enough - that there should have been more footage of them backstage, prepping for the show, meeting the fans.

We've had that before - it's called 101. But, again, this wasn't about the band. If anything, the band were the background music, the ties that bind if you will. Any interaction that these 6 fans had with the band backstage should stay between those fans and the band. This was their moment, not ours. And I'm ok with not seeing it. 

I thought the fan segments were well done. I think my only criticism would be that I'd have liked to have seen and heard even more about them. But we got what we got and unless a DVD with further footage is released, we'll just have to be happy with what we got. And what we got was a look into the struggles of life, the realities of the worlds we live in, the ups and downs, the good and bad, and the way the music of Depeche Mode has made an impact in each of these ways. You may not have battled cancer, gone through divorce, seen your kids move away, suffered a major injury, lived under a communist regime, struggled with your sexuality, or any of the other stories we heard, but chances are you know someone who has. Or you have your own story that was impacted by the music of Depeche Mode. What I'm trying to say is, in someway, you can relate - you can relate to the impact the music, the band, and it's fans have had on your life. 

(This also wasn't a competition over who is the bigger fan, has been a fan the longest, or who has the biggest collection. It was just real people with real stories about a real band. That's all.)

Let's talk about the live performance parts. 

Seeing Depeche Mode live is almost like a religious experience. There is a sensation that takes over, that fills you with joy and hope. When you're in the middle of the wheat wave or reaching out and touching faith, you are one with the crowd. Even on screen, watching the band perform and interact with the audience is a sight to behold. This one was no different. The band was electric. The way the songs chosen were woven into the fabric of the stories being told was well done. Honestly, we got more live parts than I was expecting, so that was a pleasant surprise. 

Being a fan for the past 35 years, I'm sure it may seem I'm biased, so of course I'd love the movie. But let me give you another quick perspective:

My husband is, essentially, a non-fan. He's had 27+ years of hearing the music, hearing my stories, hearing my friend's stories. He's grown to like some of the music, but he wouldn't consider himself a true fan. Yet, he loved the movie. He loved hearing the stories and how much the music really does hit so many of us in similar ways. 

Overall, I'd give this movie two thumbs up, two snaps and a twist, 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Now, go take a ride with your best friend and have a black celebration. And Mode On.

Ioanna Gika - Thalassa

It's easy to find adjectives to describe the vocals of Ioanna Gika.

Ethereal.
Hypnotic.
Haunting.
Hurting.
Hopeful.
Passionate.

But describing her music isn't quite as easy.

Eva Cassidy meets Massive Attack?
Enya meets Faithless?
Hope Sandoval meets Cocteau Twins?
Portishead meets, well, Portishead?

All of these are true. 
But when it comes right down to it, Ioanna Gika is Ioanna Gika. 
She's a talented vocalist, songwriter, musician. 
She's a humanitarian. 
She's a fighter. 
She sings from the heart. 
She sings from her soul.

And she has brought all of this to us with her debut solo album, "Thalassa", available now from Sargent House.

I have been a fan of Ioanna's since 2007. Her band Io Echo was one of two opening bands for She Wants Revenge on their tour to promote the album "This is Forever." I had no idea who Io Echo were when I walked into the Showbox in Seattle, WA that night. I walked out with a signed EP from what I knew were going to become one of my favorite bands and a top favorite female vocalist. 
To this day I fangirl over the work that Ioanna does. This album gets, and deserves all my geeky fangirlness. What a treat to the auditory senses. 

Beginning with "Roseate" and ending with "Drifting", this album hits on love, loss, and life. It's everything I had hoped for and more. My personal top song picks are "New Geometry", "Swan", "Roseate", "Ammonite", and "Drifting".

It took me almost a week of listening to truly be able to get out what words I did get out here. It's not much. It's not detailed. But it is from the heart. I love this album. And if you find yourself listening to it, I hope you do too. 

I Don't Have Anxiety

I overthink pretty much everything.
But I don't have anxiety.

I worry about things I don't need to worry about.

But I don't have anxiety.

I stress out way too easily.

But I don't have anxiety.

On an airplane I hold on to the arm rests for dear life and I tear up during take off.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have suffered from occasional, sometimes deep depression for 30 years.

But I don't have anxiety. 

I question myself, the things I do, and the way people think about me.

But I don't have anxiety.

I have stomach issues and was prescribed an anxiety med to help with the "anxiety" that comes from having the stomach issues.

But I don't have anxiety.

I feel anxious about having to take an anxiety med.
But I don't have anxiety.

But I do have anxiety.
And it's time to rid myself of the denial.
It's time to embrace my anxiety.
It's time to focus on my good.
It's time to remember that it's OK.
Because I do have anxiety.

Everything Changed. Nothing Changed At All.

On April 23, 2016 I got a call that would both change my world and not change my world at all.
That is the day my father passed away. This past year has been a weird roller coaster of emotions I wasn't expecting to ride and "new" family that I wasn't expecting to encounter. The story seems like it would begin two days prior when I would get the call that my father was dying. But really, the story begins over 40 years earlier - just months after I was born.

My father was married 5 times. I come from wife #2. Through the first 4 marriages there were 7 of us kids - 5 he was the birth father of, 1 he became the adopted father of, and 1 he was a step-father of. I never knew any of my half-siblings while I was growing up. My youngest sibling, from wife #4, is the only one I would come to know and have a relationship with. I was nearly 12 when she was born. I wouldn't really start to get to know her until I was an adult. And we wouldn't have a real relationship until we were both adults. But thanks to her Mom, who kept in touch with me after the divorce, I would get to see them from time to time. Now we get together regularly. While, like the others, she is technically my half-sibling, for all intents and purposes now, she is just my sister - no half about it.

I was born in the summer. By winter, he was gone. He would leave my mom for wife #3. My mom had full, sole custody of me; there was never a question, never a fight. He didn't just decide to leave my mom, he decided to leave me. I didn't see him on weekends. I didn't go spend a week with him during summer vacations. I didn't share holidays with him. I didn't really know him. But when I was young, that didn't seem to bother me. It wasn't until later that I would start to have feelings of hurt and resentment. And when those feelings hit, they hit hard.

"What a child will believe. You never loved me."
"Maybe someday when I look back I'll be able to say, you didn't mean to be cruel, somebody hurt you too."
Madonna's "Oh Father" was a song that hit me emotionally when it came out. Not that the situation with my father was quite the same as the lyrics stated. But these particular lyrics were words that would play over in my mind many times in my late teens/early twenties. The months leading up to my wedding and the strange, hurtful things he said to my mom and to me were true tests of those specific song lyrics.

On the morning of April 21, 2016 I received a voice mail from wife #5 stating that my father was in hospice and he wasn't doing well. If I needed to know more, I could call her back in the evening. Not one to be able to receive news like this and let it go, I could not wait until the evening. I was just about to call my sister when she called me. We spoke at great length about the calls we had just received and what was to come. We knew he had been in failing health. To be honest, we weren't sure if we'd actually get a call if and when he was in his final days, or when he'd pass away. Wife #5 wasn't exactly the friendliest, or a fountain of information. Thankfully she did give us the courtesy of that call in his final days.

This set off a series of emotional indifference and emotional lows. I never knew how I'd feel when this time came.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

I told my boss what was going on, because my mind wasn't fully on work that day. She asked if I was going to fly down to see him, because I may regret not going to say good-bye. I wasn't going to go. Sure, the main deterrent was that I didn't have the money to book a flight. But what would it accomplish, me flying half way across the country to see a man I barely knew and who was barely conscious? My sister and her husband decided to go. And with them, I sent a note for her to read to him.


Within hours of his death, I was involved in a text message conversation with the half-brother from wife #3. These conversations would go on for days. He was very excited to have contact with the siblings he never knew. For me, it was very overwhelming. This was a stranger. But this was also my brother. I wanted to know him, and the others, growing up. And now, here was this opportunity to know them, yet I found myself hesitant to do so.

What if they didn't want to know me? What if they did, but end up not liking me? In some respects I thought it didn't really matter because I went 43 years without them and was just fine. But in other respects the excitement and emotion of having them in my life after 43 years did matter. And the last year of "new" family has been a mix of it all. I gained a new cousin and an aunt and uncle, as well. Interestingly enough, we've all had similar situations of not knowing this man very well, or anything about our "family". The doors have been opened - now we just see who walks through them and how often.

Looking back on the 43 years I had my father in my life, the total amount of physical time spent with him (not including the couple of months he was in and out when I was baby) was less than 1 week worth of time. In reality, I don't know if even adds up to 1 full 24 hour day. Sure, there were phone calls here and there, as well as cards, letters, and emails from time to time. But physical, face to face time? Rare moments, at best.

Would I be sad?
Would I be glad?
Would I be hurt?
Would I be ok?

Turns out, it's all of the above.

I'm sad that the person who helped create me is gone. He was still my father, even if he was horrible at being so.
I'm glad that I was able to say good-bye in my own way and that he's no longer sick.
I'm hurt that he never took the time to be a real dad to me, or the time to get to know me, his son-in-law, or his grandson.
I'm ok. I always have been and will continue to be. Because while everything changed, nothing changed at all.

My Little Concert Universe

My favorite band, Depeche Mode, is getting ready to hit the road on a world tour in support of their latest album, "Spirit." And for the first time since 2009, I'll get to see them live! I can't wait! I know I'm slightly biased by my love of this band, but if you've ever seen them live you can understand my absolute excitement. If you have not seen them live, I do believe you should make time to at least watch some live performances on YouTube.

Between watching live feeds of pre-tour shows DM have been doing, along with a recording of a live Siouxsie & The Banshees show from 1981 the other day, I started thinking about my experiences with seeing bands in concert. When it comes down to it, from my first live show (alone, without my mom) at age 13 to now pushing my mid-40s, I really haven't been to many concerts. But I'm ok with that. Why? Because I have had the pleasure of seeing most of my all-time favorite bands. I can't ask for much more than that.

For someone who lives and breathes music, who finds solace, escape, happiness, and pleasure in music, and who finds more importance in music as therapy than anything else, it seems a little odd that I haven't been to more shows.
But I haven't gone to, and don't go to, many live shows for a handful of reasons:
1. Lack of money.
2. Time and cost of travel.
3. The overwhelming sense of over stimulation from the crowds and noise.
4. The tug-o-war between Pleasure vs. Responsibility.
5. I don't want to bore you with more reasons.

In my 33 years of DM fandom, I've only been able to see them live 6 times (plus an additional 2 solo Dave Gahan shows), which seems incredibly lame compared to stories of fans that have traveled the world and have seen them 20, 30, 40 times or more. But I've cherished each one of those 8 shows.

If I were to make a list of my Top 10 all time favorite bands, it would probably look something like this (in no particular order, other than DM being #1): Depeche Mode, Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, Queen, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Joy Division, Kenna, Io Echo, The Airborne Toxic Event, and OMD.
And guess what? I've seen each of them live, at least once, except Queen and Joy Division. I did, however, get to see New Order (Bernard, Stephen, & Gillian) in 2014 and Peter Hook & The Light in 2016, each performing JD songs - so kind of close. Close enough for me, at least, since I was only 7 when Ian Curtis left this world.

So, while I sometimes feel envious of people who can, and do, go to show after show, I feel more content that I've managed to make the relative few shows I've gone to special ones and events that I will always carry with me.

If you've made it through this rambling little post, congratulations! And Thank You. There wasn't a real purpose to it other than I just felt like writing. Now I just need October to get here so I can experience the joy that is DEPECHE MODE!!!

Tour on ladies and gents! And we'll see you next time! ;)

Shy Socialites

Shy Socialites is the union of the graphic design and illustration passions of sisters Barbara and Tricia Wilson. They create custom invitations for all occasions, along with other special treats like cards, party kits, and custom illustrations of people, pets, and more!

I have been friends with Tricia for some time now and have followed Shy Socialites on Zazzle, Etsy, Facebook, and their own site for years. I adore the work that they do and think you will too! 

I recently had the opportunity to order a custom illustration as a Christmas gift for my best friend and her husband. The process is simple and the Wilson Sisters are professional, quick to respond, and easy to work with. And the end result is something that will be cherished forever. 

I chose the Custom Cartoon Drawing option. Here you can choose to do a single, double, or family portrait. You place your order for the option you want, then receive an email with a "Custom Character Illustration Questionnaire." If there is more than one person in the illustration, you fill out a form for each character. The questionnaire has questions about the person's personality, hobbies, interests, and favorite things, as well as the basics - eye color, hair color/type, height, etc. There is also a spot for you to include anything else you'd like to share about your subjects.
I submitted the questionnaires, along with photographs of my friends. Then Tricia did her magic. She asked me questions. We discussed the direction I wanted to go with the illustration. And what came from that was a gift that I fell in love with. And I think the recipients did too. She captured their likenesses perfectly. The extra design aspects (colors, border) were incredible. I knew the talent that this woman (both of these ladies) had. I have seen her illustrations of people before. Yet I was still surprised at just how amazingly accurate the characterization of my friends was! 

Here is the final product:

Taking their love of tropical flowers and travel destinations, as well as a love of Disney, my friends are surrounded by beautiful flowers and hidden Mickeys!

Please check Shy Socialites out! If you're getting married, if you're having a baby, if your son or daughter is graduating, or if you are looking for the perfect gift for your best friend - THIS is the place to go! Not only will you be receiving a special keepsake for your special occasions, but you will be supporting two amazing women and a fabulous small business.

Pain and Suffering in Various Tempos

On March 6, 2017, I got to do something I haven't been able to do for 8 years. I bought tickets to see Depeche Mode.

DEPECHE. MODE.

For the average person, this may not seem like a big deal.

But to me, this is a huge deal. This is me, getting to see my favorite band in concert. And not just any favorite band - my favorite band for the last 32+ years.

For me, Depeche Mode is about music.

About meaning.

About feeling.

About love.

About life.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I grew up listening to everything from Abba to Queen, John Denver to Luciano Pavarotti. I still do, to some extent, though I caught the New Wave bug at an early age and have yet to shake it.

I was 12 years old when Depeche Mode caught my eye - or ear. I had been a huge Duranie when I was 10 and 11 years old. At 12, things started to change. I listened to KJET and KYYX, early 80s new wave based radio stations in Seattle. I was introduced to artists like Kate Bush, The Cure, Siouxsie & The Banshees, and Depeche Mode.

"People Are People" is the first song I remember hearing. And I loved it. When I saw the video? I loved it even more. I became an instant fan. Soon, Duran Duran started disappearing from my bedroom walls and 4 lads from Basildon quickly took over. I bought "Some Great Reward". Not long after, I added "Speak & Spell", "A Broken Frame", and "Construction Time Again" to my collection. In listening to those other albums, I realized that I had heard "Dreaming of Me", "Just Can't Get Enough" and "Everything Counts" before. I figure that they weren't the right songs at the right time, though, because it wasn't until "People Are People" that Depeche Mode stuck in my head.

By the time I was 16 years old, both "Black Celebration" and "Music For The Masses" had joined the family. At 15, I got to see DM live in Seattle on the MFTM tour. It was magical and made me love them even more. But it would be a track from Black Celebration that would quickly become the most important song in my life - and would continue to guide me through good and bad, happy and sad so many years later.

When I was 16, I began to suffer from depression. It wasn't the 'woe is me I'm a moody teenager' depression. It wasn't the 'you listen to depressing music, how can you NOT be depressed' depression. 

(For the record, I have never found DM's music depressing, and I loathe the nickname Depressed Mode)

I was always the shy, quiet girl. In school I had friends - good friends; great friends. But I still often felt like I didn't fit in or belong. This is something I still struggle with on occasion, well into my 40s - but I'm working on it. I was different from some of my friends in the music I listened to, the way I dressed, the ways I wore my hair. And though I know they liked me, there were still moments where I felt unsure. I began a spiral of feeling like if I never existed, it wouldn't matter. If I were in the hospital, no one would come visit me. If I ceased living, no one would miss me. Let me say this - I never hurt myself. I never even really considered doing myself any true physical harm. 

This was purely mental for me. 

In one of my 'moments' I was listening to Black Celebration. "But Not Tonight" came on. I always liked that song. But it wasn't until that moment, 2+ years after its release, that I truly LISTENED to that song. That I truly began to appreciate that song. And found an absolute true love of that song. Like a brick wall, it hit me and left an impression so deep that I carry it around with me today. I don't know why it was that particular moment in time that it struck me so deeply. But it did, and I will forever be thankful that it did.

"And I haven't felt so alive, in years..."

Things started to get better for me by the time I started my senior year of high school. I have continued to cope with depression throughout my life off and on - some bouts worse than others. 

"But Not Tonight" is not always the solution when I am down. But it does help and will forever mean something special to me and will always hold my hand when I need it.

In the years since, albums have been released, and over and over again I fall head over heels in love with certain songs, each meaning something important to me for one reason or another. There is something very special about this band. They have been a part of my life longer than most anyone else, other than family and a few friends. Martin Gore (and now Dave Gahan) writes for people like me, people like you, and people who want and need to feel like they belong somewhere. The lonely. The popular. The young. The old. The jaded. The optimist. We're all welcome here. And through this fandom, I have met some amazing people. The online DM family is full of excitement and friendship. In person, the family bond is even stronger. 

I may get geeky about Depeche Mode - at a level normal people can't understand. But it's a way of life that got me through awkward teenage years, through relationships, through friendships, through pregnancy and motherhood, and continues to get me through the world we live in and life in general.